People are complex. People are not one-dimensional. People are interesting.
Plenty of people love to people-watch. And they do it because all three of the above statement are true. Sometimes I do it because I like to imagine the lives people are living outside of their morning coffee run where I’ve spotted them, or outside of their short grocery trip or dog walk.
I think I like to imagine my life as somehow just as interesting as theirs–and sometimes, perhaps more so. I like to imagine I come home and throw my keys down and take off my jacket like a woman in a television show. That the drama that fuels everything is somehow interesting enough to pull in an unsuspecting audience who will binge watch to see what happens next to the characters who can’t seem to do anything but make poor choices in terms of their relationships, work and opportunities. Somehow, despite their lack of good choices, they’re still fit, fabulous and free. If only, right?
The thing is that sometimes I feel I oscillate between ordinary and unordinary in the absolute worst ways possible. I wasn’t given the same opportunities because I was actually extremely isolated as a child. I grew up in a trailer park, we didn’t do a lot of school, I was exposed to the same sorts of people over and over again. People stuck in a bubble of fearful thinking about hell who would rather sever the relationship between themselves and their child, their friends, their colleagues–than risk the person not feeling the consequences of their so-called poor choices and end up in the fire of hell.
More recently, I’ve come to see the whole thing as a very elitist type of thinking that somehow also undermines the idea of the whole “we’re all sinners, the world isn’t fair, if the world was fair we’d all be in hell” storyline I grew up under.
I know, I know. This is all very ramble-y, but the reality is that I keep discovering things about myself that I don’t like and that I wish I could fix but that also somehow feel…right? Like they make me human. Interesting. Unique.
For example, I’ve recently realized that I don’t really let myself feel things to quite the same extent that I should and I stuff things down. I think there are reasons for this, obviously. But it’s almost like I stuff it down TOO long and then it all bubbles to the surface and suddenly I can’t control it and I have a strong physiological response that sometimes ends with me on the floor unable to stop crying. And it feels like the world is ending.
Another thing is that I don’t feel like I THINK all that much. Like not in my head. It’s almost like I just go through the motions and I only think and analyze when I am alone and the THING is over. And I realized this because both of my therapists keep telling me to practice mindfulness when I am feeling overwhelmed except how can you do that if you’re not mindful of feeling stressed at all? (Obviously, there are answers to this, Lol. Like visual cues. It’s a work in progress.)
In terms of other discoveries, I’ve felt keenly the disapproval and abandonment from my family numerous times and it makes me especially touchy to perceived abandonment and/or disapproval or disappointment. I get especially anxious when I feel I don’t have someone’s approval because it puts me back in my parents living room begging them to tell me why the situation was so messy. And often I’ve felt this same shame and abandonment when trying to navigate the relationships with siblings, as well. Or even my best friends family. And oftentimes, the other person hasn’t ever done anything to cause those feelings. It’s just the trauma. And it’s something I have to work on within myself.
There’s always a part of me hoping that things will change and if I say the right thing that someone will finally understand and they’ll be willing to hear me out and we can work things out, but the truth is that they have their own trauma and it might not even have anything to do with me. And I have to learn not to take it personally.
I guess I hope that heaven will allow us to see people for who they are and will give us a full-scope look at WHY people reacted or hurt us or didn’t respond the way we hoped they would.
It would be such a game-changer. And it’s not that people’s trauma or background is an excuse for abusive or wrongful behavior. I think each of us are responsible for ourselves and the things we do to others. It’s just that I really believe that Jesus looks at our hearts like that and sees all of the horrible things but he also has compassion for the pain we’ve been through and sees what caused it. I don’t know, to me, that seems much more like the Jesus represented in the Bible.
That’s all for now,
Jessica
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