First: background. (And you already know how much I love providing background information).
As stated in a previous post, crushes were illegal under the law of L*mbert. Okay, not really. But the reality was that having a crush was a punishable sin, and God would be very disappointed in me for waking the love nature before it’s time. (hahaha. Get it? ;))
Now, before you ask, OF COURSE, I didn’t want to go to hell.
And I didn’t want to disappoint God either. However, sometimes the human urge to see other humans as better than they are, hotter than they are, or hell, even the urge to pretend you actually know them is too strong. 🥴
Before we really dive in, you also need to understand that I legit didn’t have the greatest options. Once again, I wasn’t in school, was in tiny churches or just out of church for…like a decade as a child, AND we just didn’t get out that much. But yeah, feel free to judge. Lol.
There’s going to be a recurring theme here, and that’s what will make this all the better is that you’ll probably pick up on it fairly quickly.
Are you ready? Let’s dive in.
Noah ? From Fetch With Ruff Ruffman
I would say don’t ask, but I am providing this information freely. Lol.
This was probably the first crush I ever had, honestly. I was maybe 7, and it’s also the first time I realized journals were not private. Too bad.
I don’t even know exactly what was going on in my head, but I DO remember what I wrote about him, which was basically about how I wanted him to go bike riding with me and we were gonna get married and have 20 kids and it was going to be so much fun and he would be like a brother to me (🤮Sweet Home Alabama!) and yeah, anyway. Things that, TBH, weren’t even really crushing type thoughts, but hey. I was seven.
Another thing I remember clear as day is coming into my room and my sister asking WHY I was talking about how much I loved Noah and wanted to play with him and writing Jessica <3s Noah all over the pages of my pink kitten journal.
Seven-year-old betrayal is less betrayal and more embarrassment. Especially because crushes were absolutely FORBIDDEN. I shriveled up and died inside, cried a lot, cut all the pages out with her supervision and couldn’t bear to watch Fetch ever again. Especially if my sister was watching ME watch Fetch.
This one gets a 10/10 for ridiculousness based on this rating:
1-10 on a “my type” scale, 1 being not at all my type and 10 being absolutely my type: Sorry, Noah from Fetch. You’re getting a 1.
1-10 on the “WTF were you thinking, Jessica?” scale, 1 being I was thinking and I’ll explain and 10 being I have no brain, Noah gets I have no brain. Sorry, Noah.
More than ridiculous, it’s. Yeah. IDK.
Constantine, American Idol
I needed a Barbie husband, OKAY? And my sister had claimed Bo Bice and really wanted me to choose Constantine and so I caved and here we are. This wasn’t necessarily a real crush, but Constantine grew on me just a tad after a couple of weeks. However, in the Barbie games he was actually a girl character (we had to cross-dress the Barbies because we weren’t allowed to have Ken dolls) and that was already a MAJOR turn-off.
Also having to listen to his voice on American Idol was also a turn-off.
This one gets a 9/10 for ridiculousness based on my rating scale. But also, he gets a point less just because he does have a bad-boy vibe and I’m here for that. *Chef’s Kiss*
1-10 on a “my type” scale, 1 being not at all my type and 10 being absolutely my type: Gonna have to be a 1 because he’s giving Grima Wormtongue.
1-10 on the “WTF were you thinking, Jessica?” scale, 1 being I was thinking and I’ll explain and 10 being I have no brain, I’ll make it an 8 because yeah. The bad boy vibes.
Legolas, Lord of the Rings
Not the actor, mind you. Just Legolas.
Okay, this one was a legit crush and I was absolutely obsessed. IDK why. Literally not my type at all, but I’m not judging.
He was 100% my husband in most games and we also had at least 20 kids together in all of them. Happily married in my imagination 10/10.
Your girl didn’t have eyes, y’all. I mean, COME ON, there were way better options than Legolas, including Aaragorn (if you delete the part where he’s actually King, because, plz no) and Faramir, for the sake of the Ents. WHAT WAS I THINKING. 😭
This one gets an 8/10 for ridiculousness based on my rating scale. Because at least he was Elvish. And also he does seem like a bit of a rabid sweetheart. (Don’t ask what that means.)
1-10 on a “my type” scale, 1 being not at all my type and 10 being absolutely my type: Gonna have to be a 1 because I can’t do the low-key feminine energy thing or the long white hair, but hey. He’s elvish and that’s pretty dope AF.
1-10 on the “WTF were you thinking, Jessica?” scale, 1 being I was thinking and I’ll explain and 10 being I have no brain, I’ll make it a 10 because there were wayyy better options in the same universe and I was blind to them.
Bill: Eloise at the Plaza
Mixed reviews on whether this counts as a crush because I didn’t care when I wasn’t watching Eloise and I’m about 99% sure this says more about my daddy issues than my preferences for men in general. But. He’s so kind and sweet and funny and not half bad-looking either. (Don’t tell my friend, Bailey.)
This one gets 5/10 for ridiculousness based on my rating scale. Because he does seem genuine (at least in the film) and he never stopped loving the woman of his dreams. 100% a turn-on.
1-10 on a “my type” scale, 1 being not at all my type and 10 being absolutely my type: a 7 because the haircut needs improving but he’s got that low-key nerd energy.
1-10 on the “WTF were you thinking, Jessica?” scale, 1 being I was thinking and I’ll explain and 10 being I have no brain, it’s probably a 6? IDK tbh. I don’t feel like I was thinking at all, but also it’s *Bill* and Bill was always so nice.
Gilbert Blythe: Anne of Green Gables
I don’t know a single homeschooled girl who didn’t secretly have an affinity for Gil. I mean, COME ON. He was handsome, kind, and definitely had the bad-boy vibes. PLUS, there was an enemies-to-lovers thing going on the whole time: this guy gets 1/10 NOT RIDICULOUS AT ALL.
1-10 on a “my type” scale, 1 being not at all my type and 10 being absolutely my type: It’s a 10, yo.
1-10 on the “WTF were you thinking, Jessica?” scale, 1 being I was thinking and I’ll explain and 10 being I have no brain, I’ll make it a 1 and my explanation is that look at that face and just go watch the movies and you’ll understand perfectly.
After Gilbert, I crushed on a kid I literally had never spoken to and only saw like once in my whole life named Charlie and I got so wrapped up into being holy I forgot to live my life and experience the Celebrity crush thing, so. :’)
Who were your most ridiculous childhood celebrity crushes? Let me know in the comments! 👇